Far too many couples leave Counselling until it's too late.
By the time of their first appointment, years of bitterness and resentment have built up, and the fear of being hurt blocks
out any chance of change. If you're experiencing any of the following, maybe now is the time to
consider counselling:
- When you talk to your partner, it feels as though you're hitting a brick wall.
- Your conversations just
go round and round in never-ending circles.
- After you've talked, you feel frustrated and confused.
- You can't talk for
more than a few minutes without it turning into a shouting match.
- You're afraid that if you bring up a certain subject, things will get even
worse.
- There's nothing left to say.
Should we attend Counselling together or alone?
Ideally,
you should go to counselling together: it's hard to build a team if only half the players are there. Often, if one person
makes the decision to give counselling a try, the partner will decide to go too.
If your partner flatly refuses to
join you, there are lots of things counselling can help you sort out on your own. There may be changes you can make alone
that will have a positive impact on your relationship. Some people also prefer to have counselling on their own at first to
work out their feelings before seeing another Counsellor as a couple
For many couples, the solution is right under their noses - it just takes someone objective to see
what it is. It's like the saying "You can't see the wood for the trees" - Counsellors are trained wood-spotters!
If you find the same old issues come up over and over again, or as soon as one issue's resolved another
crops up, then there's more going on than meets the eye. Below are some common reasons.
Fighting
for your deeper needs:
Couples often use topics such as money, sex or housework to fight for their deeper needs within
a relationship. For example, an argument over who should pay for what may really be about where the responsibility lies and who's
got the power in this situation. Rows about housework are often about unfilled needs for respect and worth, and arguing about
how often to have sex is nearly always about feeling loved and cared for, and deeper needs for connection and affection.
Hidden pay-offs:
For some couples
arguing actually plays a beneficial role, as it may be the only time they get to share their feelings. It can also add excitement
to a relationship or be a way of getting attention. Arguing can be worth the pain because of the joy
of making up. And when you make up you get to reaffirm your love for each other.
If you find the same
old issues come up over and over again, or as soon as one issue's resolved another crops up, then there's more going
on than meets the eye. Below are some common reasons.
Unresolved issues:
Sometimes people find they're fighting battles that have far
more to do with the past than the present. Feelings of rejection or betrayal in childhood can create hot buttons that partners
press without realising. For example, a partner whose parent left suddenly in childhood may find themselves
overreacting to a hastily arranged business trip. Or a partner who was always forced to do gardening as a punishment when
a child may become irrationally angry when asked to mow the lawn.
Sensitive subjects:
If there are taboo subjects in your relationship that always cause a storm,
you need to mention them more often. If you don't, they can become time bombs. Taboo subjects can include things such
as a forgotten birthday or a time when you felt your partner wasn't there for you. Often it's something that represents
a serious breach of trust such as an affair or a breaking of confidence. Burying old relationship problems is OK, but you
have to make sure they're dead first.
Just remember:
beneath the surface
of an argument often lurks a much deeper issue, desperate to be let out and looked at - and you'll keep on arguing until
you do.
Possible outcomes of Counselling may be:
Lump it – for
some reason change isn’t possible, but you decide there is enough about your relationship that makes you want to stay
together.
Leave it – you and your partner can’t or won’t change and you decide to split up
Change it – you and your
partner decide to alter the situation, and work together to make changes so that the relationship improves.
Contact
us now for an appointment (subject to availability) on 0161 7890547
Last appointment of the day is 5.15 pm and we do not work weekends or bank holidays
If there is violence:
Violence or threats
of violence are never acceptable in any relationship. If arguments are always aggressive or you avoid conflict because you’re
scared things may get our of control, you need support. You can
contact any Police Station or check out Yellow Pages for other supportive
agencies that you can contact for instant assistance.
